News > TW FEATURE: Four alternatives to watching the new season of LOST
February 1, 2008
LOST returns tonight and, considering they're still sticking to their "It won't be done until 2010" episode plan, we all more or less know what to expect. We'll get inconsistent character development (remember when everyone thought Charlie tried to drown Annoying Australian Chick's baby, and then they forgot about it roughly eight minutes later?), a bunch of random, needlessly confusing crap with no rational explanation, and completely superfluous flashback scenes.
Don't get me wrong, LOST used to be fantastic during its first season; they're just stretching what seems to be a hilariously, unnecessarily complex sci-fi plot over a much, much longer span of time that such a plot warrants. LOST exists to alternately punish and entice the viewer, and I won't have any of that BS. With that in mind, here are three better things you can do with your time than watching LOST this year.
1. Watch Firefly or Battlestar Galactica
Imagine, if you will, a scenario in which a show titilates the viewer with an odd question, drops weird and possibly contradictory clues along the trail as the series progresses, and then -- to your shock and amazement -- fucking answers the question.
In his TED speech, JJ Abrams talked about the importance of the "mystery box," that curious question which gives fiction (and, specifically, LOST) its sense of intrigue. What Abrams fails to understand, however, is that the mystery must either be completely irrelevant and therefore endlessly titilating (What's in the Pulp Fiction suitcase?), or must be ultimately answered in a climactic, satisfying way.
Now, your average LOST fan, full of hope and illogical faith, may assume that the show will end in some badass climax which ties up all the show's loose ends and answers every question.
These people have evidently not watched Alias.
Throughout Alias's five seasons, it answered about half of the ultimate questions it asked, and its major mystery box (what is Rumbaldi's secret creation?) turned out to be absurdly obvious and disappointing (immortality). I see no reason to assume that LOST will be any different.
So, all that said, Firefly and Battlestar Galactica actually deliver on their goddamned mystery boxes. By the time Serenity rolls around, you'll understand the Reavers; by this point in Battlestar Galactica, we've found out who four of the final five Cylons are. These shows, unlike LOST, understand how to build up expectations and then deliver on them. They often answer questions with more questions, of course -- such is the appeal of the mystery box -- but they also occasionally answer questions with, you know, answers.
2. Watch any of these shows
British TV can be quite good; Life on Mars and Doctor Who deliver the goods with their season finales in the same way Firefly and BSG do, albeit with much thicker accents and lower budgets. The series are also relatively short, as well: each season only lasts about 15 episodes, and most shows don't go on for more than two or three seasons.
A well-told story with a climactic ending, told succinctly? These shows are the anti-LOST -- and I mean that in the best possible way.
3. Read The Third Policeman
From the mysterious underground cavern to the mysterious box which creates whatever you want, to the mysterious afterlife-y nature of the island, LOST ripped off quite a bit from Flann O'Brien's second novel (though they were decent enough to put the actual book into season two). Yet where LOST deals with O'Brien's ideas in essentially superficial, "hey-doesn't-this-look-cool" sort of way, O'Brien's original novel actually serves as a surreal, funny, disturbing meditation on existence and morality.
If LOST's ultimate theme has anything in common with its source of inspiration, why not save yourself some time and just read the original work?
4. Hire a beautiful woman to professionally cocktease you for 45 minutes
Lord knows you'll get the same emotional reaction as watching a full episode of LOST. Force the stripper to put on two pieces of clothing for every one she takes off: should she remove her socks, she's gotta put her gloves back on. If that bra comes off, then she's gotta put on a t-shirt and an overcoat to make up for it. As she gyrates and smiles at you, secure in her feeling of superiority, you'll hurt your neck trying to catch a glimpse of something -- anything -- which satisfies your desire to see what you've actually been promised. As she seems to get progressively more naked, she'll actually be even less titilating and more clothed by the end of the striptease as she was beforehand.
It'd also be nice if, every once in a while, she screamed something loud and unintelligible at you ("I'VE ONLY GOT FOUR TOES") and then refused to explain it for the rest of the lap dance. Then, if you really wanna replicate the feeling of having sat through an entire season, have her show you half her nipple -- but just for a split second -- right before walking out the door.
Hopefully, the excruciatingly painful blue balls you receive will serve as a permanent, horrible reminder of how LOST takes such misanthropic pleasure out of playing with your emotions.
