News > TW FEATURE: Bacardi, Cola, and the Greatest Commercials Ever Made
October 12, 2007
The Bacardi and Cola commercial campaign of a few years back consists of at least five of the best commercials ever filmed. This statement is not subjective, and is not open to any sort of debate whatsoever.
The commercials revolve around Bacardi Guy and Cola, two streetwise cats who have all the answers and, as frequently stated by the theme song, can "get the job done." They look and act like Tubbs and Crockett from pre-Jamie Foxx Miami Vice, and each commercial acts as a media res installment in their lives and adventures, each ad going so far as to have its own "episode" title.
The best way to appreciate these commercials is to simply watch them, but each ad in and of itself contains layer upon layer of subtle, dry, hilarious quality. Basically, this gives me an excuse to point out my favorite parts of each episode.
"Totally Busted"
Firstly, just look at that intro. Within two seconds, the commercial has already established its tone and purpose, whilst simultaneously presenting the viewer with hilariously irrelevant images of Bacardi and Cola (at no time during any commercial in the series do we see either of the two in those clothes, or even showing as much movement as they do in the brief theme song introduction).
Secondly, the way Bacardi says "Ann" is goddamned priceless: his monotone voice makes it sound as if he is telling her that her name is Ann, rather than asking her. "Bitch," he seems to say, "your name is Ann, and any argument concerning this point will be met with a swift right hook to your considerably-sized jaw. Do we have an agreement?" Even as Bacardi begins guessing more and more names randomly, his robotic voice exudes a hilarious confidence; he doesn't sound like he's actually guessing so much as he's decided to throw out a dozen names, knowing that, eventually, the chick will accept one of them as their own. Cola, on the other hand, throws out names in his active, high-pitched voice; his delivery isn't as intrinsically hilarious as Bacardi's, but the way he pronounces "Pearl" and "Veronica" is still funny as hell.
Veronica's completely blank expression as the two go back and forth is also priceless.
"You Bet Your Life"
The only Bacardi and Cola commercial to exceed the 30 second mark, "You Bet Your Life" spends a great deal of time on the hysterically over-the-top buildup to the Yakuza boss's last card. Hell, even Bacardi looks mildly scared -- something which never happens at any other point in the series -- while Cola looks absurdly calm about the whole situation despite the fact that he instigated it.
That said, though, the payoff isn't as rewarding as the numerous dry, tiny jokes sprinkled throughout the rest of the commercial. The way one of the Yakuza boss's bodyguards says the word "NO" in English with literally zero emotion, or the way the Yakuza boss himself refers to himself as "#1 risk taker" (it is a matter of factual public record that Japanese gangsters love to refer to themselves as "#1 [something]"), are even funnier than the boss's sudden childish exclamations of "Yatta!"
(Sorry, no embed -- just click the attached YouTube link. It's worth it, trust me.)
Two things:
Firstly, the chick who plays Ashley is far too well-endowed to have the incredible sense of comic timing that she does. The way she stutters her only line ("Wuh--wuh...WHY") gets me every time.
Secondly, when Bacardi says, "...Aaand, hold it," he sounds different than he does in all the other commercials. I'm not sure if the line was dubbed or if the guy who played Bacardi just decided to make him sound a little different for this commercial, but the slight hint of emotion and arousal he puts into the line makes it one of Bacardi's funniest moments in any of the commercials.
"Time to Come Clean"
This is probably the least funny of all the commercials, but in roughly the same way that Hidden Fortress is Kurosawa's worst movie -- yeah, it's not so hot when compared to those which preceded and followed it, but it's still pretty good in its own right.
Of particular note is just how far away Bacardi is from the girl when he hits her with the club soda. Following Cola's perfectly high-pitched and slightly-louder-than-it-needs to be line, "A splash of club soda get that out," we see in the wide shot that Bacardi seems to be spraying the girl with club soda from roughly four feet away. His refusal to move closer to her, or to even splash just the affected area, is indicative of how effortlessly cool Bacardi and Cola are as characters. They're too goddamned cool to move two steps.
Also, the 80's party music is spot-on.
"A Little Help"
MIDGET
"Pooling Around"
The fact that Bacardi and Cola require absolutely no deliberation to decide that something is wrong with the hot tub scenario is friggin' great. They don't even look at one another -- they just instinctively know that to have less than twelve ladies in a hot tub is a significant problem.
Even better than that little bit of dry humor is the fact that, even after eight more ladies join the hot tub, Bacardi still seems to have absolutely no expression whatsoever. Cola happily splashes the girls in the background, but Bacardi, stoic as ever, simply sits in the pool and receives a back massage without showing even the vaguest hint of excitement. To Bacardi, there is nothing special about sharing a hot tub with his partner and twelve other ladies -- it is simply the way things have to be done.
Also, the little drink-swirling maneuver Bacardi does before declaring, "We're gonna need eight more ladies," may be one of the most subtly and hilariously dry moments in the series.
I'm tempted to be pissed at the fact that these commercials never really caught on and that Bacardi eventually devolved into standard, boring "women love men who are drunk and classy and Bacardi will take care of both of those things for you" ad campaign, but I'm not. While we may never know of what abnormally well-photographed, deliberately dry adventures the Bacardi and Cola producers may have had up their sleeves for a second or third set of commercials, there's not a single boring or unfunny commercial in this set of five Bacardi and Cola commercials. Yeah, there's only five, but the five are visually attractive, well-acted, and impeccably timed; if the ad campaign had truly caught on, the duo would have eventually been overused and run into the ground (a la the "Where's the Beef" lady).
So, that's that -- you've now seen the best commercials in the history of advertising. TV spots won't get any better than this. I take no responsibility for exposing you to the power and the glory of Bacardi and Cola, but, in the end, I think you'll thank me. For while every other commercial you see for the rest of your life will pale in comparison to the unusually intelligent humor of Bacardi and Cola, your every waking moment will forevermore be punctuated with Bacardi's blank, expressionless stare, or Cola's excitable, overenthusiastic voice.
Or Ashley's breasts.
Either way, you're better off.
