News > TW FEATURE: 5 Reasons Why Jericho Fans Should be sent to Guantanamo Bay
June 15, 2007
Editor's note: The views expressed in this article are purely those of the author. That being the case, please don't mail us sacks of nuts if you don't like what you see. Thanks!-Ed
by Josh Karp
Hey guys and gals. I used to think there was nothing more annoying than a gloating Yankees fan. But the Yankees started losing and their gloats just became funny. Now I've got a new pet peeve...people obsessed with that canceled, but brought back show, Jericho. In fact, I think they're damn near exhibiting terrorist behavior...and it's due time we sent their hineys to Guantanamo Bay. Here's why:
#1 To Hide Them From The General Public
Guantanamo is like a black hole. Whatever goes in stays in. Terrorists, American citizens, democracy, communists, liberals, '70s hairstyle trends. Shit stays there. This is a perfect place to stash the roughly 11,000 Jericho fans. These fans are the ones rabidly psychotic enough to petition CBS with a torrent of letters, emails, and nuts (yes, nuts). These actions clearly indicate a savage deviation from societal norms...i.e. these are weirdos. American doesn't like weirdos. They make us uncomfortable. Federal prison would be a acceptable alternative, but seeing as these facilities still fall under constitutional authority they wouldn't provide the necessary full-scale identity erasure. Additionally, the only thing worse than weirdos is old weirdos that have just been released from prison. As such, Guantanamo is clearly the best option for indefinite, isolated, incarceration.
#2 The Free Health care (They Need psychiatric help)
Weird tendencies are one thing. Going to extreme lengths to resurrect a crappy TV show is quite another ("Oh nooo! I need my Skeet Ulrich...I got me some Skeet Ulrich love-jones goin' on!!!"). Marginalized as they are, there's a damn good chance that most of these nut-jobs don't have access to quality health care. What is a crazed Jake Green fanatic to do? Head to Guantanamo. That's what. As Michael Moore has so eloquently chronicled is his upcoming whine-fest SICKO, Guantanamo detainees have access to better health care than most uninsured Americans. At the very least, the "doctors" there will have free license to sedate, lobotomize, torture, or otherwise poison the crazy straight out of these poor, pathetic, Skeet Ulrich-obsessed bastards.
#3 It Will Clean Up Our Streets
If the Bush administration has taught us anything, it's that there are good guys and there are bad guys. There is no gray area. Nuance does not exist, except when it comes to how much a Republican will do based on the amount of his bribe. Applying the George Bush rating scale to Jercicho fans, we find that they are solidly located on the "Bad Guy" end of the spectrum. Hiding them in some occupied territory on foreign soil reduces, though certainly doesn't eliminate, the threat. They can be handcuffed, kept in cages, and otherwise incapacitated. This is a good thing for the general safety of the American public. Seriously. Bad guys deserve to be kept in cages. Good guys deserve to hang out with hot women and drink Milwaukee's Best. It's a scientific fact.
#4 Use Them to Restore Human Rights
Demented as they are, these people have proven to be exceptionally good at one thing: Convincing a large organization to change their minds. Habeous Corpus, along with basic human rights, are notable absent on the little Cuban enclave. The Jericho contingent could put their show resurrecting skills to good use here, organizing protests and working towards restoring a bit of civility in their new home Cuban home. Possible tactics could include re-enacting the touching scene from the show's premier where Jake Green reunites with his father, Mayor Johnston Green, or listing off the nearly endless reasons why they think Heather Lisinski and Mimi Clark are "the hottest women alive." Bored/annoyed to tears, the administration would have no choice but to restore due process to Guantanamo detainees.
#5 The show will be forced off the air for good
The final, and perhaps most important reason to send these loonies to Cuba is this: The roughly 11,000 fans that signed the electronic petition are, without a doubt, the only 11,000 people that give a rat's ass about the show. As far as I know there are no Neilsen boxes on the military base/jail. Without the ratings support that these viewers have provided, the show will most certainly be removed from our airwaves, once and for all, making way for a new generation of Oprah Prime Time specials, or some sort of hidden camera investigation into the seedy BDSM underbelly of middle American. What a relief that would be...
