News > CLASSIC TV: DOOGIE STYLE
April 11, 2007
There is a great character on the moderately popular TV show How I Met Your Mother who is the sparkling image of a man's man. He shuns commitment, bangs anything he gets a whiff of, and lives the sort of hedonistic lifestyle that mere mortal males only dream about. This gem of a role is played by the actor formerly known as boy doctor "Doogie Howser", Neil Patrick Harris. Initially that casting decision was met with scepticism -- I mean, really. Doogie, as a player? Surprisingly, Harris played the role brilliantly and proved all the critics wrong. In hindsight we should have had faith after , but then last year something happened that changed everything. Doogie left the closet, and in an instant, the show was forever altered. Suddenly, instead of an exquisite womanizing alpha male, Barney Stinson was transformed into a big gay fraud.
Now I don't have a problem with Doogie being gay. To each their own and all of that, but I highly doubt the producers would have cast Harris for the role if they would have known going in he was a bit light in the slippers. Luckily, this issue isn't a big deal for the simple reason that How I Met Your Mother just isn't a good enough show. That being said, it got me to thinking how classic TV shows from past would have fared if the lead roles were filled (so to speak), Doogie Style.
Cheers: Richard Simmons as Sam Malone
In This Episode: Diane pursues her dreams abroad, leaving Sammy heartbroken, and with no one to jazzercise with. Rebecca Howell is hired as the new bar manager, and right away she is completely turned off by Sam's advances. Of course his advances are completely non-sexual, he just won't stop badgering her about her eating habits and tells her if she keeps gaining weight at this pace, in 15 years she'll be the face of fat celebrities. After hearing the high-pitched concern in his voice, Rebecca realizes she actually loves Sam and wants the jump his curly bones. Unfortunately, he already has plans to paint the town with his baseball pals J.D. Drew, David Ortiz and Curt Schilling. They're headed to Gary's Backdoor Tavern for some vodka coolers before checking out the musical, Hairspray.
Carla is pregnant again and hurls insults at the majority of the patrons.
Cliff and Norm complain that Sam replaced the pretzels and peanuts with rice cakes, and to make matters worse, he instituted a new rule at the bar: Nobody gets served until they successfully complete 15 jumping jacks. Due to his mail route, Cliff can handle the exertion, but Norm begins to struggle and after his eighth beer, vomits on Lilith, much to the delight of everyone at the bar.
Woody complains to Frasier that Sammy seems to be acting weird lately. Frasier advises the young barkeep that people can get emotional when a loved one departs. Woody asks if by emotional he means, "always showing me his saggy ball sack."
CRITICS RATING: 4.5 Stars - Who knew alcoholics and afro-ed homosexuals in short shorts could create comedic gold?
Wheel of Fortune: Sandra Bernhardt replaces Vanna White
In This Episode: Pat Sajak welcomes the three new competitors. Stella from Rhode Island, Chip from Utah, and Jerome from Brooklyn. The first puzzle comes up and after a spin, Stella chooses an "S". A gum-chewing, cigarette- smoking Bernhardt, strolls over to the highlighted squares and turns them accordingly. The puzzle now reads SS and out of nowhere, Bernhardt shrieks, "Oh my god Stella, I think I know it, I think the fuckin' answer is PUSSY!!! Pat, you nasty little slut, you wanna see my pussy".
Sajak quickly urges Stella to spin again, and reminds Sandra her job is to turn the letters, not help the contestants. Benhardt doesn't care to be told what to do and lets the host know about it. "Fuck you Sajak, why don't you eat my ass? Maybe Stella wants to see my pussy."
The contestants are visibly disturbed, except Jerome, who seems to be getting turned on by her expletive-laced language. Chip is covering his ears, and Stella makes the mistake of further antagonizing Bernhardt by saying "Madame, that is certainly no way for a lady to speak". Bernhardt shoots back, "Mind your own business ya saggy old cunt". Pat Sajak faints, Stella screams and Jerome makes his way down to the main floor as the live audience bull rushes the exits like the building is on fire.
The producers frantically call their lawyers, trying to figure out how many millions this incident will cost them as security makes their way towards Bernhardt, who now has her tongue down Jerome's throat and her hand firmly entrenched in his trousers.
The "Bernhardt Experiment" becomes an instant legend and the 7 minute video clip is the first in history to make YouTube crash, as 47 million people try to play the scene at the same time.
CRITICS RATING: Is there such a thing as a negative star? Sandra Bernhardt should be in a cage. Not only is the gameshow industry forever tainted, but the FCC pulls a Morgentaler and aborts every live speaking television show in North America.
The Crocodile Hunter: Starring Carson Kressley
In This Episode: Our fearless reptile enthusiast treks deep into the heart of the Amazon to locate a 12 foot Croc that has been terrorizing the locals. The fashion conscious Kressley doesn't so much empathize with the natives being croc food, he just desperately needs a giant crocodile hide to make a hot new man-purse to match his crocodile boots. As we get a panoramic view of the Amazon River, Carson begins narrating;
"We've come to this glorious part of the world to locate one of natures fiercest, and yet most misunderstood creatures. The Giant Croc is something I've been interested in since I was young. I was only 10 years old when I realized, unlike the other kids who were interested in sports and games, all I wanted to do was get my hands on big croc. As I got older, I was so obsessed with massive croc, I literally spent every waking hour dreaming about it. Today, we're after one of the biggest croc's I've ever seen, and I am super duper excited. A lot of people might not think skinning a deadly reptile for the purpose of accessorizing is worth the risk, but let me tell you honey, this man-purse will look sooo hot with my boots."
As the boat with Carson and crew approaches the deadly crocodile's lair, silence fills the air and the pungent scent of danger encompasses everyone on board. Carson puts his mirror away and rolls up his pink capris so they don't get that "nasty Amazon stink". The crew readies the net as the bait is prepared on shore. I'm not sure whose idea it was to lure the croc out with a "speckled trout and fennel quiche", but Carson felt it would get the job done. Soon, the preparations are complete and the trap is set. Now, the most trying aspect of the hunt begins, showing the incredible patience necessary to outwait and outwit the prehistoric beast.
After 3 minutes, Carson begins complaining about the bugs, and mentions the stifling heat isn't good for his complexion. Then, just as he was putting his nail file away, a seagull swoops onto the bait and steals a beak-full of eggs. The splash startles Kressley, who then bounds into the arms of the tour guide like a frightened girl scout. After a half hour of petrified blubbering, Carson threatens to sue everyone if they don't immediately head back to the hotel.
It looks like the killer crocodile will live to eat another small villager, but most that were in attendance that day will always remember how close they came to seeing a grown man wet himself.
A Carson Kressley voice-over concludes the episode with a recap of the day's events. "Well, we were so close I could taste the giant croc, and as usual, I choked. The fear overtook me and I'm just happy I wasn't wearing a white thong. I suppose I can just buy a new man-purse, but somehow it just won't be as special. Still, I hope everyone has learned a lesson. Giant croc is not something to be taken lightly. Just the thought of a huge wet croc zeroing in on me sends shivers down my spine. I didn't get my fill of enormous croc today, but you can rest assured I'll get my hands on plenty of huge croc in the future! Thanks for watching, toodles"
CRITICS RATING: 1.5 Stars- Though I'd rather have my retina swabbed with a wasabi doused Q-Tip than watch another episode, the ever present possibility that the host will get torn limb from limb by a giant lizard warrants another look.
The Benny Hill Show starring Ellen Degeneres
Benny Hill played by Ellen, takes part in a number of skits where she chases around large breasted, scantily clad women, and repeatedly pats an old man on the head. Hilarity ensues, and young boys everywhere begin playing Christopher Columbus in their pants.
CRITICS RATING: 4 Stars- Not surprisingly, switching the main character on this show had little to no effect on the overall product. Although the numerous "groin shot" gags weren't quite as funny. I'm still puzzled as to why viewers are bombarded with reality TV while the "Benny Hill Formula" sits on the shelf.
The Sopranos: George Michael as Tony Soprano
In This Episode: Tony begins suffering panic attacks again, and Doctor Melfi suggests his maternal issues may still be unresolved. Tony refutes the claim, and breaks into tears finally revealing the source of his prolonged misery: "I just wanna dance". He storms out of the office and stops by a public restroom on his way home to "whack" himself.
Later on, in a meeting with Christopher, Tony explains that both Paulie and Silvio have to get whacked. Only, he no longer wants the act of killing people to be referred to as "whacked". "From here on in Christopher, the term will be 'Whammed', capiche"? Christopher is puzzled, as they are two of Tony's closest confidants. Tony explains, "Between the two of them, I really can't deal with their hair anymore. Every time I look at them I cringe; if that level of tackiness isn't whammable, I don't know what is". On the way home, Tony picks up Vito Spatafore and the two of them stop off for a "meeting" at a public restroom.
The Soprano crew is summoned to an important gathering at the Bada Bing. Tony explains that as a result of increased scrutiny and pressure from the FBI, the family will need to restructure some of their existing operations. "Effective immediately, all stakes in the Waste Removal business have been transferred to high end Hair Care Products. As well, the Bada Bing has been drawing too much heat, and for that reason, its name will change to "The Man Hole" and feature an all-male nude revue. Lastly, the feds have been all over Big Pussy, so from here on out, he will be referred to as "Big Wang". Tony and Vito leave to get their strawberry daiquiri on, but not before stopping off at a public restroom.
After a week, the Soprano family becomes the best-dressed mafia family in North America.
CRITICS RATING: 0.5 Stars- The show has lost its authentic, edgy feel and too much time is spent panning the outside of public restrooms. Watching Tony and Vito get pedicures simply doesn't make for riveting televisions. The program does get a half star for showing Paulie Walnuts "Whamming" Ralphi Cifaretto with a hot wax treatment. Even after slumping ratings forced producers to introduce high powered guest stars, the show still flopped as Elton John just couldn't pull of a Jersey accent.
